Finding out that your
child has been
sexually abused has been likened to an
emotional earthquake. Mothers immediately experience
anger,
shock,
denial, and
disbelief. It is difficult to
accept and process the disclosure information, and you need
support for yourself at this time. If the
perpetrator is your
spouse or partner, you lose what may have been a support source.
Family and friends can be non-supportive as they also struggle with the disclosure of sexual abuse.
You may have difficult and painful
choices to make. If the abuse involves your partner, you have to make a choice between partner and child. If you choose partner, you may lose your child temporarily to
protective custody, or forever, due to the sense of
betrayal he or she will feel. You may experience
ambivalence on a daily basis.
Children struggle with
blaming the mother because they think she should have known. You also will struggle with self-blame. You will have
thoughts and feelings about how this happened, how you did not know and did not
protect. You may feel anger at the victim for not telling you. Understanding the
process of victimization will help you direct your anger toward the perpetrator. The child's recovery depends on your
support.
Post-disclosure parenting is difficult. It will help if both you and your child are in
counseling, with regularly scheduled joint sessions so that problems can be resolved. It is also important that
siblings receive help as they are secondary victims of the abuse.
Mothers experience
long term consequences when their children are sexually abused.
Secrecy about what you are going through occurs as you find that people do not understand, and they judge, criticize, and are otherwise unhelpful. Your
self-esteem is affected. You may continue to feel the
pain and hurt and also feel
isolated,
betrayed, and
anxious. Some mothers experience symptoms of
posttraumatic stress or
panic disorder. Some mothers get
sick due to the
stress.
As the
post-disclosure process moves forward, you may need to work with law enforcement, social services, and attorneys. If the perpetrator is a
family member, you must make
safe decisions for your child. You may also have other children who need you. You have an overwhelming responsibility at a time you feel overwhelmed. Finding support sources is critical to your
mental and physical health.